Breaking the rules that broke the system
Some old-school rules around money can actually hold women back. 'Never mention money'? Not helpful. Meet the Verve Super members busting money myths to reclaim their financial future.
Rule to break: 'Don't mention money'
Why? You can’t challenge inequality if you’re not allowed to name it when you see it.
For many of us, talking about money still feels taboo, something we were taught to keep private or even shameful. Staying silent serves the status quo – but breaking that silence is one of the most powerful tools we have.
“The rule I break is not talking about pay with coworkers. A mix of 'being polite' and aggressively corporate human resource culture has definitely made it feel like we can't talk about it. Collective action for workers requires us all to know what our worth is both individually and as a group so we can bargain effectively.”
We asked Rachel why talking about pay still feels taboo, and she said that by purposely keeping that information from workers, those who hold the purse strings get to divide and conquer.
“I think women have to fight an uphill battle within ourselves first,” she added. “Because a lot of cultures teach women to be ‘humble’, we won't talk about money outright in case it makes us seem like we're humble-bragging or gold diggers.”
The way we are socialised around money contributes to the gender divide in financial roles. These differences can be subtle; such as boys being raised to chase high salaries and feeling able to compare with their peers, while girls are encouraged to be prudent with money and to save, but not to discuss things like pay or super. Women are less likely than men to ask for a raise, and less likely to get one when they do. As Rachel says, “For men, being the stereotypical breadwinners, they have a kind of permission to openly talk about money.”
Talking about salaries, super and financial goals is not only liberating but strategic. Research shows that people who discuss their pay with colleagues are more likely to negotiate better salaries, identify inequities and take action to close the gender pay gap.
And it’s not just colleagues. Talking openly about money in families helps break the taboo and helps build financial literacy in children and young people, planting the seeds for gender equality across generations. When we normalise these conversations, we give the next generation the tools to expect and demand fairness.
“My money rule that I don't follow is that is not for polite conversation to talk money. My family is European and used to talking money – my parents always did – but there is an Anglo attitude here that money talk is wrong. Until recently friends didn’t talk about money, so we couldn’t share ideas.
Many of us inherit our attitudes to money from our parents. And that means we could be battling generations of ingrained taboos that can end up holding us back.
Monique made sure that she passed on her family’s open attitudes to her daughters, now in their early 20s, by teaching them personal finance as they grew. “I got my girls a bank account as soon as they were eligible,” she told us, “Then helped them set up an ethical super and kept on ‘bringing up money’ – not boring! – till they started being taking their finances seriously.”
Financial secrecy only serves to breed inequality. Breaking the taboo of discussing money helps us openly challenge discrimination, make informed decisions and advocate for ourselves and each other. Talking about money shouldn’t be awkward. It’s powerful.
Download Verve Super’s Gender Pay Gap Toolkit to open up those pay convos
Rule to break: 'Follow the usual advice'
Why? So much financial advice is made by men, for men, and it shows. Financial education can be patronising (like ‘stop buying coffee’) or out of touch with the reality of caregiving, part-time work, or career breaks.
“Financial rules or advice advocated by men and presented to women. Our goals, lifestyles, and challenges just aren't the same, but men don't get that.”
Anecdotal evidence cited by Mercer suggested that many women worry that they’ll be talked down to by an adviser, which is exactly what happened to Jasmine’s mum. Jasmine told us that when her mother, a divorcee, retired a few years ago, she sought financial advice.
Having worked for more than 30 years, retired at 65 - done all the ‘right’ things – and with no dependants remaining at home, she was optimistic that after crunching the numbers she’d be able to buy her own home to retire in, and have something left to live off.
The experience shone a light on gender bias in financial advice. “The advisor told her she had X amount to buy a house, would have X remaining to live off, and X in her savings,” Jasmine recalls. “It was a pitiful amount – we were all horrified. I can remember Mum asking, ‘Will I be able to buy a place with that? Is that enough to live week to week? What if there's an emergency?’
“And the financial advisor laughed.
“He just said, ‘You should be grateful – it's far more than most divorced women retire with.’ That was his advice: ‘Be grateful!’”
We can’t help suspecting that the advisor would have responded differently to a man.
A Forbes study revealed that people pay more attention to financial information when it comes from a man – even though it’s less tailored for women. Women and gender-diverse people are still far more likely to take time out of paid work to care – and to pay the financial penalty for it. So look for support that reflects your life, not someone else’s. Enough with the mansplaining already!
“It does not suit men not to be in control.”
We don’t necessarily need to throw the whole rulebook out – it’s about rewriting the parts that aren’t written for our real lives. Think of it as an opportunity to advocate for your financial future – because financial equity starts with knowing the rules, then flipping the script.
Rule to break: 'Don't worry your little head about it'
Why? Taking responsibility for your own finances – from deciding whether to treat yourself to optimising your retirement strategy – comes from equal engagement.
We get it. Making financial decisions can be scary. Social conditioning can encourage women to doubt their abilities, with feelings like fear (I can’t) or denial (I'd rather not). But owning your financial decisions can boost emotions like pleasure (I can!) and freedom (all mine!) as well as equality. Time to step into your power!
This also means ditching the outdated idea that men should handle the money, or pick up the bill. Equality is about being able to pay your own way and having equal engagement, however that looks in your life.
“My wife and I take turns being our household ‘Chief Financial Officer’ so the financial and emotional labour isn’t always on one person.”
This is key. In relationships, equal responsibility creates equal power. A study of Australia, Germany and the US consistently showed that men often lead on financial decision-making, even though women tend to take fewer risks with money. In the average Australian household, economic bargaining power was split 60/40 in favour of men.
In Renee’s case, with two women in the relationship, it’s equally important not to fall into gendered mental load habits, which is why taking turns to shoulder it works so well for her. “Having a safe space to communicate about money makes a big difference,” she adds. “We aren't perfect and we’ve changed a lot over our 12-year relationship, but there's always room for growth and normalisation of money conversations.”
“My mother always said, don’t marry as a woman till you are financially independent. She knew from her childhood experience what happens to women who are financially bound to a man.”
Whether you’re single, partnered or somewhere between, the key takeout is to take responsibility for your finances, engage equally and keep talking and sharing the financial and mental load. This is not just to have a voice. ANZ research shows that women who actively engage with financial decision-making report higher confidence and better financial outcomes over time.
“Sometimes it makes sense to have a little treat and have a coffee in a cafe even though the first rule of saving for a house is always to have coffee at home!”
Financial empowerment doesn’t come from latté denial. There’s more to taking ownership of your future than austerity – but knowing your worth and having agency over your wealth does come with responsibility. It’s about owning your financial decisions.
Joy and pleasure are an important part of life – so buy that coffee, but do it with intention. Being in control of your money and owning your decisions is one of the most radical acts of self-respect there is. 🙌
These so-called rules were made to keep things comfortable for people already winning – but do little to support financial equity. But we weren’t born to play small, we’re here to rewrite the rules. It’s OK to talk about money. To take ownership. To refuse to follow advice that ignores our reality. Together, this can write you a roadmap to financial justice. And at Verve, we’re proud to walk alongside you.
So let’s keep breaking the rules that don’t serve us, and building a future that does.
*Surnames withheld for privacy. Verified Verve Super members.