Managing money and conflict in relationships

by Verve

If you’ve ever argued with your spouse or partner over money, you’re not alone. Research conducted by Relationships Australia shows that financial stress is the number one cause of relationship breakdown for all couples, not just those who are married. 

Other research indicates that couples’ arguments about money tend to be more intense, more problematic and more likely to remain unresolved.

But money doesn’t have to be a problem in your relationship. With practice, you and your partner can learn to talk about and manage your finances in a healthier, less stressful way, even if you have differing beliefs and habits with money. 

We develop beliefs about money long before we join our finances with a romantic partner. Research shows we inherit attitudes, values and beliefs about money from our parents and other family members and form our relationship with money from early childhood. 

Early on in a relationship, many couples discuss their views on marriage, children and where they want to work and live and goals for the future, but unfortunately, many couples rarely sit down together to talk about their financial beliefs and goals.

When it comes to financial responsibilities, couples don’t always work as a team or share an equal role in day-to-day money management and financial decision-making. 

A good way to manage money as a couple is to share roles equally. This can be achieved by setting up a regular day and time each month to sit down, pay the bills, discuss your expenses and review your debt management, saving and investing plans. One way to make it more enjoyable is to schedule something fun for after the money talk; if you know you’ll be going to the movies or on a bike ride afterwards, your money date may feel less like a chore.

If your financial discussions become heated, take a time out and revisit them later. When it comes to money, you and your spouse may not always see eye to eye. But with good communication and an understanding of each other’s beliefs and values, you can work together to realise your shared financial goals. 

When Verve Super ran a live event about Money Conversations and how to tackle conflict around money with our partners, these were the key takeaways.

  • Remember that you are a team, and your values are equally important to your partner. Getting on the same page with another person about your finances requires a team approach towards making  a plan for your individual and joint priorities and goals. 
  • Create a system that caters to both your needs and values. If you need help with this, speak to a counsellor, financial coach or adviser.
  • What are your and your partner’s core money values: Security, Success, Freedom?
  • Enter the conversation with goodwill and remain curious during difficult discussions.
  • Take time out when it feels overwhelming.
  • Engage in small conversations more often.

If you and your partner find yourself in regular money conflict, then one helpful communication tool you could try is nonviolent communication. This is a helpful communication framework that can be used to help diffuse a situation and better communicate. 

It’s a tool that allows you to clearly express how we are feeling and what you need, without blaming or criticising, and the other person has an opportunity to empathetically hear what you are saying without feeling blamed or criticised. 

The nonviolent communication script has four components: Observations, Feelings, Needs and Requests. It follows a simple script of “When I observe this, whatever it is, I feel that doesn’t meet my need, and I’m requesting this”.

There are four components to the Nonviolent Communication (NVC) model, as developed by Marshall Rosenberg, PhD. The 4-Part NVC Process can guide you to express your needs in what would otherwise feel like a confronting situation. 

If your conflict around money escalates or you feel that you are unable to get on the same page and resolve an argument about money, we suggest that you seek professional help. 

Here are some resources to support healthy conversations and relationships:

If you’re in a situation of financial or domestic abuse or violence, these organisations can help.

Related content:

All information is general and does not take account of your personal objectives, financial situation or needs. Before deciding whether a particular product is appropriate for you, please read the relevant Product Disclosure Statement, Target Market Determination and Financial Services Guide available at vervesuper.com.au, and consider speaking with a financial adviser. Published by Verve Superannuation Pty Ltd ABN 65 628 675 169 AFS Representative No. 001268903, a Corporate Authorised Representative of True Oak Investments Ltd ABN 81 002 558 956 AFSL 238184, as the Promoter of Verve Super, a division of the Future Super Fund ABN 45 960 194 277 RSE Registration No R1072914 (the Fund). The trustee of the Fund is Equity Trustees Superannuation Limited ABN 50 055 641 757 AFSL 229757 RSE Licence L0001458. October 2024.

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